chaos and wonder
the impermanence of personality; matter defies measurement; plus, a new single coming 4/12!!
I hope you imagine your life full of chaos and wonder
In brilliant color
No permanent lines
Friends, it’s been a while, I know! I have been busy working on some things that will be dropping very soon, and I’m excited to share them all with you. :)
New song drops April 12, and it has a lot to say about the wildness and glory of possibility.
It is all too easy for me to view my personality as being baked in. I find myself lured to believe that there is a permanence to who I was which carries over irrevocably into who I am now—and, more sinisterly, into who I can become. I know that operating from that perspective is short sighted and small minded, and yet I have found myself struggling each day to operate from a different one.
Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle states that the more precisely you measure the position of a particle, the less it’s possible to accurately measure the particle’s momentum. In other words—the more you are able to nail down the location / position of a particle, the less possible it is to entirely know other important and fundamental things about it. The particle is a greased pig—a slippery eel. I’m probably peforming the world’s most egregious ‘yada yada yada’ here, but I interpret this principle to mean that matter defies measurement and ultimately, knowledge—it cannot be entirely or perfectly understood. I personally think it’s an excellent metaphor for the mystery of the self.
And yet, I get sort of obsessed with the question — ‘Why am I like this?!’ I puzzle maddeningly over this question any time I do something I find predictably frustrating, or anytime I find myself battling the same old patterns. Then, instead of moving into some sort of behavioral modification or change of direction with my actions, I often find myself wallowing in the quicksand trying to use the past to figure out or justify why I am doing This Frustrating Thing right this very moment.
Reflection on the past can be extremely therapeutic, of course. I’d probably be a much less self-aware / self-actualized person were I not willing to do that. But I think there are also moments where I am unwittingly using the past (and my observations about it) to unequivocally define who I am right now, today, in 2024. Worse still, I let it tell me who I think I am able to become in this moment, and in the future.
It feels tricky to write about this, because I don’t want anyone to misunderstand me as saying we can just suddenly up and decide to change old behaviors that are usually patterns in our lives for damn well and good reasons; but I know I can’t entirely control how this is understood. The best I can do is attempt to explain that, while I know our pasts can of course heavily influence our current experience, I also don’t believe we are rigid, immovable, or unchangeable—no matter WHAT we have been through or who we have been. The only constant in life is change, so why am I so reticent to believe that I’m capable of growing into new ways of being and doing?
I have a new single coming out 4/12 called ‘Hope You Know It’ that explores these themes.
When I think back to who I was as a young child—I both hope to learn to more wholeheartedly accept that version of me AND to remind myself that my life is an explosion of color and movement—that I am not static or stuck in whoever or whatever I think I am. Anything is possible. I am as dynamic as a song, as evolving as a storm, and so are you.
I’d love it if you could pre-save the song so that you don’t miss it when it comes out!
XO,
Audrey
“I hope you imagine your life full of chaos and wonder
In brilliant color
No permanent lines
You’re full of the power you’re waiting for someone to give you
You’re lightning and thunder
You’re sun in the sky
I hope you know it.”
Dang. Pumped for this song
I think its awesome that you think about this kind of thing. Asking questions of yourself is hard, it forces us to accept that we are not as secure about ourselves as we think we should. "Forced perception" is convenient, like standing on a spot and claiming that everything you see is fine, moving and observing give us what we need to see a more complete picture. Hope it all goes well for you.