How The Grinch Stole Christmas Music

...and how my heart grew three sizes.

I stopped enjoying Christmas music sometime in my mid-twenties, shortly after my parents’ divorce. There was a year I went to Florida for the holidays and our Christmas consisted of a brunch at a hotel; I was housesitting while I was visiting, and I went back after the meal and cried my eyes out in tidal waves of sadness, all alone in a home that wasn’t mine, thinking about how everything had changed. I flipped through the channels on the tv, sniffling and wrapped in a blanket, and happened to land on a Christmas special on EWTN (yes, THAT catholic channel with a ‘pirate nun’ … IYKYK) that featured one of my real-life friends singing. Another crying jag rolled on through me, and I listened to the familiar melodies and phrases, feeling farther away from them than ever before. Nothing felt peaceful, nothing felt sacred, nothing felt comforting, nothing felt cozy, nothing felt like anything I’d come to associate with the holiday season. It was just me, a big empty house, and my sadness. A blue Christmas, indeed.

My capacity for celebrating Christmas also began to fade and shift as I began to unravel the religious belief of my upbringing (only to discover there wasn’t much to hold it together, despite decades of catechesis, devout practice, and passion) — what did it even mean to sing these songs or feel ‘Christmas cheer’ when family celebration wasn’t part of the equation anymore AND when I wasn’t really sure I believed in the whole thing anyhow? What good did nostalgia do me in a moment of life when nothing old felt right anymore?

At that point (2013 or so) I just about stopped listening to Christmas music and festooning the house for the holidays entirely. I mean, let’s face it. Most Christmas music bugged the hell out of me anyway, and I hate cleaning up Christmas decorations. (I know, I know. Grinchy af. I know.) I thought maybe when I had a family of my own, things would change.

I had my first baby in 2014, but still the commercial Christmas spirit did not return. Yet I slowly began to enjoy giving gifts to my child; seeing his eyes light up at the sight of twinkle lights and wrapped up treasures and a glowing tree warmed my cold little heart a bit more every year. But as far as I was concerned, Christmas music could still get lost. In 2018 I had my second, and she is entirely the sort of person to want to put on an apron and bake with mom, so last year when she turned four I found myself making peppermint bark and sugar cookies with the best of them.

This brings us up to 2022, and I am amazed to report that this year I actually pressed play on a Christmas album on *December 1.* Wonder of wonders. Miracle of miracles! Maybe my heart grew three sizes after all; except it didn’t happen overnight. It happened over the course of nearly a decade of healing, processing, and putting back together what Christmas meant to me from my own experiences and beliefs vs. what had been handed to me. It happened over almost nine years of recovering wonder via my experience of becoming a mother. It happened in its own time, in its due season. And suddenly my heart didn’t feel too small anymore.

These days I see Christmas as a beautiful spiritual portal of a moment in our calendar year; one where we find ourselves expressing what others mean to us, where we somehow manage to find a balance between reflecting on the meaning of life (It’s A Wonderful Life, anyone?) and eating more cookies than the Lord probably intended just because they’re freaking delicious and we feel like celebrating everything. As a non-religious person who still finds a great deal of beauty and comfort and hope in the Christmas story, I am just feeling really thankful that I have a bit of my sense of magic back.

Some of what I’m buying the kids this year is secondhand, and it’s been the sweetest experience. I actually have to *shop*…as in, go and search for stuff I’m trying to find, find it, pick it up and buy it, and put it in my car and bring it home. Remember that?! Nostalgic indeed. I’ve really been enjoying the experience of the search, the pickup, the figure-out-how-and-where-to-hide-it, and the anticipation of seeing their faces when they get their new-to-them surprises.

A little fun news:

I just want to remind y’all that I have some new Christmas music out. If you haven’t heard it yet, please check out my version of Joni Mitchell’s River; I’m so so proud of the cover we made of this. It’s a heartbreakingly beautiful song (and perfect for when you have the blues at Christmas, too) and I hope our arrangement came close to doing it some small semblance of justice.

I also launched a brand new website that I’m super excited about — just look at her! As part of that, my web store is now chock full of (all on sale) items that I can’t get enough of, like this ‘be still’ all-over-printed sweatshirt and this canvas print of the River artwork.

Hope you’ll give it a look. Everything is 30% off thru Dec. 30.

Happy holidays, everyone. Stay cozy and safe if you can. Sending you love, especially if this time of year feels complicated.

XO,

Audrey