I get fixated on fixing myself. How about you?
How I'm trying to make one small change instead of a thousand of them.
I have some kind of sad, hard need to always be working fixing myself.
As a matter of fact, I can get quite *fixated* on fixing myself. I thought that it was just because of childhood religious trauma, but it turns out it might also just be my brain and its makeup. (Which one created the other, I’m not entirely certain, but I can be sure it’s some kind of cocktail of both) I can get really obsessed with being a better version of myself; and the sneaky thing about it is that it bends me toward selfishness to be responding internally to life and relationships with ‘I’m f*cked up and I need to be fixed.’ How can I even hear someone else’s heart in their words when my mind is bombarding me with self-loathing criticism? How can I be unselfish or altruistic when I am fixating on how bad, wrong, dangerous, and unlovable I am? How can I give my gifts when I am obsessing about my badness?
Here’s the kind of thing I hear in my mind when I get flooded, stressed, anxious, etc:
You don’t know what you want. You never have known. You’re so indecisive. You’re so confused. You probably could have been a lot more successful if you just…weren’t you. Someone with some common sense and ambition could have taken the talents you have and made so much more of them. You’re just a washed up, aging, dried out husk of an artist who is under a delusion that they’re special. Everyone is laughing at you. It’s hilarious that you’re taking this album seriously. No one cares b*tch!!! Face it—you’re crusty. NO ONE GIVES A F*CK!! HAHAHAHAHA you are ridiculous!!!
Hearing this voice blaring in my head when, say, my co-producer asks me what kind of sounds I am hearing for a particular song, can make taking action or making decisions feel…well, tricky. That voice gets so loud and chaotic sometimes that I truly feel like I don’t know how to make a move—or how to even imagine what move to make. Turns out it’s hard to ‘follow your heart’ when you can’t even hear yourself think.
What’s sort of funny is that the critic’s voice assumes that people caring about my work = me being happy. But it doesn’t at all equate to that—that just seems to be the persona asserting itself. I—the essence beyond my persona and my shadow—am only happy when I am able to transcend the drama of the ego. To say it more plainly; I am happy when I remember who I am. I am happy when *I* am present because *I* am not these thoughts, this drama, this mask, or these emotions. I am the one experiencing them. And I have a choice as far as which ones I spend my time agreeing with, feeding, and taking counsel from.
So, actually, letting my inner critic’s voice come up and come out is my best option! If I just let the inner critic say its piece, I can write it down and burn it, move along with my day, and make a few choices that do not confirm its beliefs. I can hear myself think! And by ‘myself’, I mean my real self. Whoever it is behind here that’s observing all…gestures vaguely… this. Now *that* is manifestation, if you ask me. It is changing my life, but quietly. Another thing I get fixated on is transformation, and I’m on the lookout for that here; I always seem to be hoping that one day I’ll turn a new leaf and I’ll just suddenly be A Person Who Has It Figured Out Now. (News flash, Audrey…that is a fictitious Way To Be A Person.)
So here is my one small change: I am writing down my inner critic’s thoughts at least once every day, or more if needed, and tearing up or burning the paper. Then I am getting back to the business of living, creating, and listening.
If you’d like to join me for my online songwriting clinic (Prismatic) on 3/18, which will be mainly focused around this topic, (including several writing and songwriting exercises) it’s $111 and you can buy tickets here. :)
Love y’all.
Audrey
I get fixated on fixing myself. How about you?
Good piece. I was just reading something today. The author was sharing how we need to accept our goods and bads. She went on to say that I think it was Freud who said all our bad thoughts are repressed. She disagrees. Her take is it’s the repression of them that’s bad.
So with that I say keep on keeping on. No fixing necessary. Only awareness. Well done
I love the relatable way you've described the inner critic here. Cheers to your continued creativity journey!