In life’s great transitions and becomings, we go through deep inner processes of transformation. These processes are deeply unique and specific to each one of us, and yet there are many shared elements and patterns; this is why we can receive insight about our own situations when we listen to others sharing their stories. And what is transformation? Transformation is alchemy.
I have been interested in alchemy for some years, mainly because the little that I know about it lines up so unflinchingly with my own personal lived experience. The word ‘alchemy’ conjures up lots of bizarre images, which has honestly prohibited me in the past from really exploring my curiosity. I’ve been diving in a little more, and have been amusedly reminded that so much of what keeps us from exploring things is our fear of taboo. (I believe that that fear, at its heart, is easily boiled down to our primal fear of abandonment) Most of the time when I look into something I was taught to be afraid of or mistrust, it takes about thirty minutes until I get that “Ohhhhh…this is just another attempt to make sense of that thing we’re all experiencing” feeling. Now, being that I grew up in an environment where that type of harmony and resonance with “things of the world” was *exactly and precisely* the thing I was supposed to avoid at all costs, let’s just say that I have kept a lot of my curiosities about this very private. But I’ve been wondering about alchemy and inner knowings that I couldn’t explain since I was very, very young. I’ve accidentally done alchemy my whole life. Now I’m just learning to participate in it fully, with more of my faculties and more of my heart and more of my own openness to it.
No, I haven’t boiled any animal parts or drank any animal blood. (and I would personally never ever) I’ve just realized that it’s in the elemental, fundamental, immediate stuff of life — the everyday, the mundane, the simplistic — that all the mysteries of life and spirituality are contained. For me, my interest in alchemy is in learning how to see and commune with the gold in every moment or situation. I’m not trying to make anybody fall in love with me or call in a Maybach. My spiritual practices are all about communing with what *is*. That includes my rage, my depression, my lust, and anything else in me that I feel ashamed of. Alchemy, for me, is about learning to be with what is such that I see it transformed into gold before my very eyes; but here’s one way I describe it that I think might be divergent from a lot of new age manifestation jargon; sometimes this communing with what is, to see it transformed into gold, doesn’t involve shifting or altering it. I think transformation is often less like changing water to wine and more like learning to be with water so completely as we drink it that we feel and experience our deep connection to that spirit without ever getting a buzz. The things we might be wanting to experience or feel with alcohol (freedom, exhilaration, connection, among others) can be felt in the drinking of water, the nursing of a child, and the searing, burning pain of loss. That’s how I think of alchemy.
Maybe Jesus’ true alchemical miracle at the wedding of Cana was actually making those people have such good vibes from that water that they actually believed it was wine. I’ve always wondered.
I think all transformation is alchemy. You can get as esoteric as you want with that, or not. I just know that life is full of processes, and I am very curious about them.
Transformation is the goopiest. And somehow, even though some of its phases feel about as fast as swimming through mud, it’s a really wild ride. Lately I’ve been emerging from a nebula of fog that I’ve been experiencing since somewhere around August of 2016; best I can pinpoint, it began with the three day trauma therapy intensive I did one on one with a therapist. That was the beginning of the end of my marriage, my Christian music career, my practice of Christianity, and many of the other identity markers I relied on for my sense of belonging and purpose and meaning—mainly, though, “being a good girl.” That was a big one. I know very well (and not just by conjecture) that my name and story are now a cautionary tale in some circles. It’s one of the great gifts of my life that I get to let people down. I have been to the bottom of my need for approval and come up empty handed, as I am deeply and inexorably reminded that my worth and value do not come from pleasing others, or from their agreement with my ideas, beliefs, or choices. I am freer to serve my community (the world) now that I understand this.
Anyways, nebula; it can feel really weird and annoying and frustrating and hard in the cool mists of unknowing. Seems to me like whatever phase of transformation I am in only shifts or evolves once I finally stop resisting what’s happening. I’ve been in the nebulous goopy fog of becoming for a long time (and in a lot of ways I will never leave that; transformational processes are always at work) and, interestingly, the only things I can point to that have finally started to dispel that fog are simple and alchemical in nature. Physical movement, energy work, conscious hydration, better sleep, good nutrition. But the most important thing that happened was my (painfully slowly reached) acceptance of the nebula; the moment I could finally say a wholehearted ‘thank you’ to the annoyance, the weirdness, the frustration, the unknowing, the hardship, the stuckness, the paralysis. Maybe that was the point of the nebula all along; to get me to remember that performing, achievement, success, a good reputation, and being liked are not what make me whole; they are not what makes my life beautiful or meaningful, not at its heart.
Below are a few images of a card from Kim Krans’ new alchemy deck, nebula, along with its corresponding reading. I pulled it today and thought I’d share it with you. This deck came out a few days ago and is the first ‘alchemy’ item I’ve ever purchased. Unsurprisingly, I really love it; not only the illustrations and card meanings, but the detailed and rich instructions on how to engage with the deck and its concepts; this is not sponsored. :) I’m just into it.
Have a beautiful week. Whatever process of transformation you might be in, you are hereby reminded that you are loved and held at all times. May that bring strength for, and pleasure in, the journey.
xoxo
Audrey
All photos here are of a copyrighted work by Kim Krans; all credit to her for her incredible illustrations, ideas, and prints.
From one enneagram 9 to another (I was so stoked to see your name pop up in one of Suzanne Stabile's podcast as a fellow 9!), the part where you said, "...my worth and value do not come from pleasing others." That, right there, is really damn difficult. Also, the way you write about alchemy really resonates. You point to a way of holding life sacramentality. God blesses you on your journey, Audrey. All of it.