Part Two: No Nevermind
a soul-shaking dream, why I want to be a jellyfish, and some lyrics from HBU (coming 9/29)
Sometime recently a friend said to me, 'Audrey, your whole brand is change.' (Do you ever want to hug someone when they tell you something, but also you kind of want to slap them in the face, not hard but maybe just a little? Me either.) I do feel a sort of constant shifting in me, a never-ending slow earthquake. When it comes to spirituality, I never seem to actually land anywhere, and I feel the ground moving beneath me every time I try. I'm a drifter—it’s true. I feel like a jellyfish - devoid of a firm structure, yeah, but still a great swimmer who packs a punch.
My grandmother turned up in a vivid, soul-shaking dream last year and told me to pay all the noise and the fear and the opinions of other people no nevermind at all--she said to clear out every thing and every motivation and every story and every influence that didn't fit or belong to me anymore. That's where all this new music is coming from--from paying no nevermind. Making what moves me. Letting that be the win.
I feel like, if I want to maintain both sanity and happiness, I have got to make friends with the idea that life's whole brand is change. While we're here, we are always living and dying; our cells, continuously composing and decomposing. How symphonic, how layered, how heartbreakingly intricate it all is! It seems to me that living itself is The Point; that any heaven we could dream up is already here. I don't imagine that any old afterlife could be better than my son's eyes looking up at me shyly through long lashes, my daughter's tiny hand placed trustingly in mine, the pleasant mild sting of late October air, or raucous laughter with a friend over some stupid sh*t that pretty much nobody else would even understand.
I want to milk every last drop of goodness out of the life I'm already in. That seems like enough. And if living in a world full of people who can't sleep or live in peace due to war and poverty and oppressive systems and trauma isn't hell, I really don't know what is. Seems to me we are all in heaven, and we are all in hell--seems to me it's all happening right here, right now. Might as well actually BE here—as our fullest, most soul-drenched and saturated selves.
I’ve been finding that I’m brave enough to be myself
Sometimes I think I’m failing; I’m learning to be patient.
How about you?
You can pre-save hbu here. Every pre-save is so helpful--thank you very much. Can’t wait to share it in just a couple of days!
Also, if you hadn’t already seen what I posted to promote the song (and which has cost me a couple of hundred followers so far) please check it out. I am unhinged.
xo,
Audrey
Audrey, I am glad that I found this website; because, when I heard about some of the recent parts of your journey, I wanted to affirm your bravery, your honesty, and your authenticity. Your grandmother in your dream is absolutely right. You are pursuing the truth (of life, self, reality, etc.) wherever that leads. What more could anyone or anything ask?
Hopefully the following is not offensive, but FWIW, many signposts back on my own journey an old man told me that we never have to be afraid of the truth. For ME, at the end of the day, MY HOPE/faith is that Christ IS the truth (but man it's tough). So from where I stand anyone pursuing the truth is pursuing Christ. Or in other words, to hell with the Christian critics.
Anyway, I hope that this was a bit of an encouragement. Apologies if not. Looking forward to the new music :)